new puppy

If nothing else, the new puppy is certainly keeping me active and I must be burning calories all day long. We got her on Sunday and her name is Sassy. She is a terrier mix and awfully cute. We are working on house training and not nipping. Last night I was in tears wondering what I had done, but today is better. She is currently in her crate giving me a break and she is not crying at all. I think we will be utilizing the crate a bit more so I have some sanity.

Here is what I did yesterday. I didn’t do quite as well as I had planned but I did pretty well today.

Green powder
Swam 5 laps at Milburn – 15 minutes
Large glass of juice – ½ grapefruit, ½ carrot
Spinach salad with feta, pumpkin seeds, and blush vinaigrette
Chicken spring rolls with peanut sauce from Whole Foods (I couldn’t resist)
Raw nut patties with sweet and sour sauce, coleslaw, and double serving of potato salad (it is the potato salad I am not proud of)
Slice of raw key lime pie

Today I took a walk around the park and have eaten:
green powder
spinach salad with raw chili pistachios, bell pepper, and raw French dressing
half a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo
four bites of potato salad
slice of raw key lime pie

We will see about dinner. It will either be raw lasagna or leftovers

Summer is here!

I am excited that summer is here and I can get back to a schedule. Of course a summer schedule is a lot more lax than a regular one, but I have hope it will work. I got up today and swam 5 laps in the pool behind my house. So far all I've had is green powder. I want to really try to take in enough water this summer. I have a general problem with that. I planned my meals for the week. I have 3 dinners raw, 2 cooked but healthy, one leftovers, and one reserved for eating out. The weekends will be my biggest challenge because we will be spending a lot of time with friends. Luckily, my friends are all into fitness and the women usually get salads when we are out. I really think that being surrounded by healthy people really helps. The days I don't walk, I will swim laps. I punted the kickboard because I didn't need it. I also worked out a deal with a friend of mine who wants to get fit that we will email each other our efforts every day. I will also try to let you guys know what I am eating. The more accountability the better.

The menu for this week is:
raw pesto lasagna
guacamole and raw chips
sweet and sour neat patties and broccoli slaw
chicken thighs in an orange yogurt sauce and asparagus
key lime pie (I am still trying to perfect it)
carrot cake (I am working on my own recipe)

Feeling better

I think I am done wallowing in self pity for the time being. The beginning of the week, I really reverted to ols addiction habits and the thoughts of, "I should be able to eat whatever I want," and "What is the most emotionally satisfying food I can eat, even if I don't really want it." As the week progressed, I got disgusted with myself and realized that filling my body with crap was affecting my coping skills. I still had a lot of times eating out but I started ordering salads instead of burgers. I really think that the group of friends I have are very helpful also. These are not binge friends. They all watch what they eat and exercise often. The support is definitely there. I already told you guys my summer eating plan (that no one commented on) and that I am going to walk most days. I've also decided to swim laps (with a kick board at first) on the days that I'm not walking. Something unusual happened to me yesterday. Even though I still have eating events this weekend to come, I remembered that I could actually follow my program except for those events. It felt kind of cool to not reach for food this morning just because I could. I only had green powder and water. I plan on a salad for lunch.

I am also working on a loose schedule for the girls this summer to limit the TV time. We are going to have outside time in the morning, craft time, reading time, and playing in your room alone and not bugging your sister time. Once a week they are getting a standing playdate so that I can volunteer with Ritamarie and once a week we are having field trip day. We will see how all this goes because I am not the best at following a schedule with parenting.

not about food

So of course this post will be just me ranting and not about food at all. I have no patience and apparently that extends to myself. These past two weeks have not been pleasant but I am getting sick of feeling whiny. I always get this restlessness when we have a huge schedule change. I am going from being extremely busy to wandering my house. It doesn't help that I have been tied to the house lately. I am also sure that a large part of it comes from having to help the kids with a lot of things and haven't had much time to myself to process everything. With all of this comes the surety that my friends are getting as disgusted with this self-absorption as I am. Not that realizing any of this helps me pull out of it. Luckily I tend to only be depressed for a short time.

Tough week

Okay, this week will definitely not be a raw one. I have to put my dog down today. I've had him since before I got pregnant with Jessie almost nine years ago. We got him from the pound and they think he was 3 or 4 then. About 2 years ago, he got a head injury (while kenneled) and the muscles in one side of his face have atrophied. A few months ago
it got bad enough that we had to put him on soft food. The vet said that it looked like he was starting to have problems on the other side of his face and eventually he wouldn't be able to close his jaw and therefore eat or drink. Last night about 12 times, he would try to drink for about 5 minutes each and couldn't get any water in. He has definitely been MY dog. Now I get to not only deal with my own grief but try to help the girls through their first death experience. Add to that Becca has to get two teeth filled this week, one on Tuesday and one Thursday. Of course the teeth filling seemed more traumatic before last night. Then Becca graduates from pre-K on Wednesday. I won't be completely sad about that but will still be emotional. And then the icing on the cake, I got my period today. Charlie has labeled this week the perfect storm. All I have to say is that when the pendulum swings from this week, my mom's visit, and Jessie's First Communion, I'll be in for a great time. Maybe I should buy some lottery tickets.

My plan - looking for comments

Okay, before I get to my plan, I have to confess that yesterday was absolutely not a raw day. Once again, I didn't have very much in the fridge and I have been really hungry lately. My huge thing has been wanting protein. I won't go into all the gory details but, as I said, yesterday was not a raw day. The positives were that even though I feel like I was eating continuously, I really didn't binge and I wasn't eating high fat or lots of sugar. I did have heartburn last night and woke up this morning with bags under my eyes. This whole week is going to be difficult to manage. It is the last week of school and Becca has her pre-school graduation. The whole week is full of parties, culminating in the big grilling Memorial Day weekend. I will eat raw when I can and try to make good choices the rest of the time.

On to my summer plan. As I've said, my friend Lisa and I will walk most mornings. This is great because Lisa is the most dependable person I know. Also, we told our kids that they get to play in the park while we walk and all of the girls will kill me if I renege. I want to try to either get to the gym to lift weights a couple times a week or do the exercise ball at home. I don't know how consistent I will be. In the fall, when Becca and Jessie go to school, I plan to go straight to the gym every morning after taking them to school. For me, scheduling is the biggest battle. If I have a routine that I can stick to, without having to rearrange my schedule too often, I will be fine.

For eating, I would like to try eating fruit or juicing in the mornings. I will probably have some nuts and kelp after working out. For lunch I want to stick with salads or blended soups. Right now my plan is to make my own dressings. I may add a little fish, chicken, or cheese to my salads on occasion. For dinner, I would like to either have something gourmet raw, dehydrated, or a small piece of animal protein and a side vegetable. The vegetable may or may not be cooked.

I am seriously looking for constructive comments on this plan. I have no problems changing or tweaking. Most of you have read this blog long enough to know a bit about my personality and eating pitfalls.

Proud

I am really proud of myself. Last night we were trying to get Becca to decide where to eat. Of course her first choice was McDonald's. I kept trying to talk her out of it and she kept telling me that I said it was her choice. I was steering her towards Chili's or Fuddrucker's. I really wanted Chili's because I knew I wouldn't be too bad there but she finally decided on Fuddrucker's. I was completely resigned to being unable to resist a burger when my friend, Charm called and invited us to a Mexican place with them. They were celebrating her daughter's kindergarten graduation. Becca was extremely thrilled to have a chance to hang out with friends and I got a burger reprieve. Charm is really thin and teaches multiple aerobics classes at least 6 times a week. I've never seen her take more than a couple of bites of anything other than salad. I had a couple of seafood items I was looking at on the menu and one of them, Charm highly recommended, was the fish taco salad. So, I had about one large handful of chips, two spoonfuls of queso, and the fish taco salad with pico de gallo instead of dressing. It was really good. Of course, since I was so good at dinner, I had to offer to get Becca dessert when we left. She wanted ice cream so we hit the frozen custard stand by the house. Charlie offered to share one with me but I said no. I got my custard, ate less than half and decided I didn't want it. I am still in shock. I actually stopped eating it because it was too sweet!

The earlier part of the day was okay. I've been very hungry and concerned I am eating too many nuts. I know I won't lose weight if I eat too much fat. It seems that the last few days all I want is the heavy raw stuff. Yesterday I ate: green powder, 4 neat patties with sweet and sour sauce, spinach salad with veggies and raw French dressing, handful of natural Cheetos, half a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo on whole wheat, and then dinner. The Cheetos and sandwich were when we were waiting to go for dinner and I was starving. It was also when I thought we were going to Fuddrucker's so I was trying to prepare myself for at least ordering a small burger.

Today I have a bigger challenge. Our Brownie troop is disbanding and we are spending our troop money. We are taking the girls to Build-a-Bear and then swimming with pizza. I won't have any time to eat a healthy meal before the pizza so I can eat less. I may bring a Larabar in my purse. There will also be no alternative to the pizza and we will be there a while. I'm not to concerned about eating some pizza, I just don't want to binge on it.

Friday

I stayed pretty close to plan yesterday. I added a half of a baked chicken thigh and some raw chocolate. I really think I need to stay away from the chocolate as my allergies have been bothering me and I've had to take allergy medicine the last 2 days.

The tacos came out great and they were super easy. I'm going to make the extra tortillas into chips. The taco meat wasn't dehydrated. It tasted god but not meat like. I ended up making patties out of it, dehydrating it, and putting the leftover sweet and sour sauce on it from my neatballs. I had added some chinese seasoning, ginger, and green onions to the mixture. I took a little taste and it does taste like the neatballs. This recipe was a whole lot easier. I'll try to post the recipe later.

I plan to eat raw today except for dinner. Jessie has a sleepover party so Charlie and I are taking Becca out. The way I am thinking about it is that I have no desire right now to eat a "perfect" diet. I just want a healthy one. Healthy diets include eating out from time to time. My whole reason is to lose weight and battle allergies. At some point I may want to make more changes but not today. I do plan to start exercising. I did a little bit on the bike yesterday. After school ends I am going to start walking with my friend, Lisa. I am a bit nervous because Lisa is super fit and a fast walker, but I am going to do it.

Planning is key

I really think that when I have trouble adhering to raw, sometimes the problem is poor planning. It's just like anything other diet plan. If you had a personal chef or a great take out place that made yummy healthy meals, you would have no reason to go off program. I had planned meals this week and then felt lazy about making them. I finally got some raw tortillas in the dehydrator. They were super easy and I think they are going to taste great. I have all the stuff for guacamole but no crackers handy right now. I love the neatballs so much but they do require some effort. I think next time I will make a double batch and freeze some. So here are my suggestions: make extra food and freeze it, always have some crackers on hand and the makings for dip, always have salad dressing on hand. I just haven't gotten into the pick up a piece of raw fruit or veggie yet. I'm sure it will come with time.

Plans for eating today:
green powder
raw quiche
salad
raw tacos

I'll let you know if I stayed close to plan.

I succumbed

At least I didn't binge. I was having such a bad time finding things to eat today. I had planned to take Becca to have lunch with Jessie tomorrow and bring her Subway. I let them choose whether they wanted it for dinner tonight instead and pack a lunch for tomorrow. They decided on Subway tonight. The good things are that I had a 6" sub and some natural Cheetos. I actually put some of the Cheetos from my plate back into the bag because I was done with them. I also had two bites of cookie and a few sips of diet soda. It is still rather humorous to me that a sandwich and natural chips were my big splurge.

I am having a bad time with sneezing all day today. Maybe it's the chocolate. I also think that I am dealing with some emotional aftermath and may be starting to PMS. I figure one meal at a time is the best I can do.

Third day syndrome

I swear that the third day of trying to break any habit is the hardest. Everyone I talk to has a problem on the third day. Today is my third day of my second round of not eating cooked foods. I shouldn't even have third day syndrome because I did still eat raw last week just not as much. Apparently that doesn't matter because I am having a rough day. Of course I don't have a whole lot prepared, I am feeling lazy about preparing food, and nothing sounds really tasty. I forgot Becca's lunch this morning so I called Charlie to see if he wanted to deliver it to her. He sounded disappointed because he thought I was inviting him to lunch. I finished my errands a bit early so I called him and told him that I would take him to lunch but of course he had already gone through a drive thru. Of course, that left me with leftover raw pizza, which isn't appealing this time around or leftover carrot parsnip fettucine. I ate the fettucine but I'm not happy about it. I guess I do get points. Now I am trying to forget that we have natural Cheetos in the pantry.

Today I've eaten (or plan to eat):
one bite sausage biscuit
green powder
carrot parsnip fettucine
raw homeade chocolate "Mounds"
I plan to make raw quiche for dinner

One of these days, I will start exercising again and I think I will start seeing more results then.

Full disclosure

I completely forgot to mention why I wasn't 100% raw. I had 1/4 of a sausage biscuit off Becca's plate.

Tuesday, May 16

I still felt a little nauseous this morning so I decided to do a Vitamin C flush. It makes my stomach gurgly for the rest of the day but I know that it is a good thing to do. Besides, I wanted to get rid of the steak in me. It went well except for the fact that afterward I took Becca for a walk around the lake and had to run for the bathroom once. I swear I thought I would have to explain that adults have accidents too, but I made it in time. I've also been feeling a little tired yesterday and today, but I've been a lot busier than normal and haven't decompressed from my mom's visit yet.

I took Becca to the dentist today. She has two cavities. Of course I feel that this is entirely my fault and that I am a bad mom. Jessie hasn't had any cavities so I guess I got spoiled. I will have to get more involved with Becca's dental hygiene. The dental assistant told me the I should brush the kids' teeth until they are 12! Are you kidding me?

I am still on a little high about my new raw outlook. I think that stepping away and back has allowed me to appreciate every time I choose raw. Before last week, I still had tons of guilt. If I had a day of 100% raw, I felt pressure instead of joy. I kept waiting for the time I chose cooked so I could beat myself up. This time I am trying to appreciate myself for what I am doing. I was 100% raw yesterday and 99.9% today. That is a big deal. I have stopped frequenting one of the raw food forums that was making me feel guilty. My next step is to stop analyzing percentages and just take it meal by meal. If I choose to eat cooked food, no big deal just eat raw again.

Today I've had:
slice of key lime pie (last one)
2 raw burger buns with neatballs and guacamole
green powder
handful of cashews with kelp
handful of macadamias
carrot parsnip fettucine with cilantro pesto with mushrooms and grape tomatoes (this looked and sounded incredible but tasted only so so)
raw chocolate (I actually licked the blender!)

I learned a neat trick with the mushrooms. I drizzled them with olive oil and mixed them with salt, pepper, and garlic. Then I dehydrated them for a couple of hours. They came out tasting sauteed. I hate raw mushrooms so this was extremely cool to me.

I emailed the lady I bought the ice cream maker from and she swears she shipped it. Hopefully it will arrive soon.

Back in the saddle

It was very easy to go back to being raw today. Yesterday for Mother's Day, I really wanted a steak. We went to Whole Foods and I got one and had Charlie grill. It tasted great but I paid for it all night. I woke up with terrible heartburn and have felt nauseous half of today. Here's what I ate today:
green powder
piece of raw key lime pie
sushi chips
lime cilantro soup
later for dinner I will have leftover raw pizza and neatballs

I am finding today that the desire for cooked foods is in my head. Today at least, I have no appetite for them but still my mind says, "If I could have anything I wanted, what would taste the best?" Again, addiction talking. I think that the little break I had from mainly raw had some positive things to it. As I said yesterday, it gives me a chance to see how quickly ailments come back and it helps me to remember that if I do eat something cooked, I can get back in the saddle again.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

It seemed more appropriate to just use the date as a title for my blog. I survived my mom's visit. I didn't stay as raw as I had hoped for, but I did still eat some raw. I ate at least one raw meal most days. The raw pizza and key lime pie went over well last night. I am still perfecting the key lime pie recipe. It's not quite right yet. I have noticed that I haven't been feeling as well with the cooked foods. My allergies have definitely made a comeback and I con't have as much energy. I also feel muddled and puffy. I think it was a really good learning experience because I am finding that the immediate gratification isn't really worth it. I had said that I was going to test how raw I wanted to be over the next month, but I know now I don't want to do that. I think that I am happy being mainly raw. I am also happy with not labeling myself 100% because I want to do Girl's Night Out or eat the cookies my daughter made at school. It is very freeing to give up the labels. There are sometimes, like Mother's Day or going out with friends, that I am willing to suffer a bit of discomfort from the foods because I want the immediate gratification. This is for now and from what I understand, over time I will want these things less and less. I feel really good about where I am right now.

Day 41

I've eaten more cooked foods than I had hoped, but I am eating raw also. I've also been trying to make better choices. I had queso last night and it didn't feel good. The shrimp and veggies I had were awesome though. Today we had lunch at Jason's deli and I ate a Rueben but I made a raw dinner. The sweet and sour neatballs were awesome again and I made coleslaw. Everybody enjoyed it. Tomorrow for Jessie's First Communion party I am ordering pizza but making raw pizza also. I'm learning my lesson on the cheese front. I am also making a key lime pie. Everything else is going okay for now. My mom and I planted a bunch of flowers in the front yard. I am doing okay with the visit right now. It's the before and after that are hard.

Day 40

In case anyone is wondering, coping with cooked foods is helpful in the short term but not the long. I am really stressed about my mom's visit. It's not really her visit but the emotions it brings up in me. Yesterday I didn't binge but I did reach for some cooked foods. Not all of them were bad so it was an improvement, but still... Of course, today I have less clarity and I am feeling puffy. At least it was better than drinking which I gave have a thought to doing. I am not beating myself up about any food choices made this weekend. I am going to do the best I can and Monday will be a new day.

Day 39

It is so funny. Sometimes when I plan to cheat, the universe conspires to stop me. Last night, I went to a Girl's Night Out. We went downtown to Whole Foods and then to The Melting Pot for chocolate fondue. I think Lisa planned the Whole Foods part so that I would have an option not to cheat. By the time we go there, I was thinking that I would eat cooked food. We took a little tour of the store and all the many options. When it came down to deciding, I couldn't make a choice. I was so overwhelmed and nothing really was calling out to me. I ended up getting the raw lasanga. I really wanted some shrimp too, but the skewers weren't cooked and they told me it would cost an extra $5 to cook it! So no shrimp for me. We all shared tastes of food and I did partake of the dark chocolate fondue so I did eat some cooked food, but I did eat some raw too. I guess it is better to be lucky than good.

On a side note, I don't know if I will be able to post every day while my mom is in town. I promise to try though and definitely catch up after the weekend if I am lax.

Day 38

I had a good time at Ritamarie's last night. It was a living without dairy class. I've never been a huge quiche fan, but the raw quiche was my favorite. During the class, Ritamarie asked me to make the crust for the quiche. My hand slipped and a whole lot more salt went in. I felt so bad and was trying to explain to everyone that it was my fault and not the recipe. One of the things I love about Ritamarie is that her goal is to get you to eat the healthiest you are willing to. For me, that helps a lot with the guilt when I choose to eat cooked foods. I am on a web forum that while helpful in many things, is not necessarily forgiving.

The other night after the festival, I didn't feel like actually preparing anything so I ate a ham and cheese sandwich and had a small scoop of frozen custard. In addition to feeling like I had a rock in my stomach, I had a migraine that night.

I am going to conduct a little experiment for the next month until my birthday (June 7). I am going to continue to eat raw as I have been and cooked here and there for occasions. During this time I will document how I feel and what my body can tolerate. Among the things I will be checking out are:
headaches
allergies
emotions
how my clothes fit
energy
puffiness
sleep
clarity in thinking

After that, I think I will try to go completely 100% raw for a period of time and document changes.

Day 37

I went shopping today for new clothes. I needed an outfit for Jessie's communion and a couple of cute shirts. I realized that the cute shirts I currently wear are 3 years old. I went to 3 stores. In the first two, I didn't even try anything on. Sadly, the first store had the same shirts I bought 3 years ago. Finally I went to Lane Bryant and I couldn't find anything. The styles just didn't look good on me. The good thing was that I had to go down a size in some of the clothes. It's funny because I can't really tell on the clothes I already own. So it wasn't the size that I couldn't work with, it was the current stlyes. The sales lady even agreed with me that nothing was working. I did finally get one skirt and two shirts. The other thing I bought is supposed to get rid of that one flab layer that makes the things that do fit me not look good. So maybe some of the clothes in my closet will look better.

I am excited because I am going to another cooking class tonight. It's funny because this is another one that I don't think I will get much out of, but last time I thought that, I learned so much.

Andi emailed me and asked where I get most of my recipes from. Right now, I use the Alissa Cohen book, Living on Live Foods and I have one called The Complete Book of Raw Food which has a bunch of chefs. I also have bookmarked a ton of websites. I hope this helps.

Day 36

Christa had a really good comment for me. She said I should try to focus on all the good things that I can eat and share them with you guys. I like that. Instead of focusing on my mental turmoil, I can be positive.

As you know, I am allergic to flax. Ritamarie found out that chia seeds can be used to replace flax in recipes. They both get gelatinous in water. I knew we were getting together with friends last night for a Seis de Mayo party (we were a day late). The night before I had my first attempt at some easy flax crackers. They came out pretty good. To the party, I brought guacamole and the crackers and my friend Lisa brought pico de gallo and chips. I know she brought the pico for me because she had just told me how queso is her favorite food. I expected to get to the party and just put my crackers to the side for me but everyone wanted to taste them. I was so thrilled that they liked them.

This week I am making: cinnamon rolls, carrot and parsnip fettucine with cilantro, pumpkins seed pesto, buns (which I am going to make mayonaise for and have vegetable sandwiches, I am so excited!), and sweet and sour neatballs. I am going to have the sweet and sour neatballs and cole slaw for dinner one night when my mom is here. She can have a side of meat if she likes. I am making raw pizza and key lime pie for Jessie's First Communion party. I am also buying a cooked pizza and chocolate chip cookie cake for that. I am so happy because I really think I can avoid the cooked pizza. We will probably take my mom out for dinner one night. I will decide then if I will eat cooked or not. Mother's Day is also up for grabs. I did realize something cool today. I went to a big festival at Charlie's church. I have been really looking forward to the Vietnemese food. I really enjoyed it and then we all (seven of us) shared a funnel cake. The thing that I realized is that even when I plan to eat cooked foods, it doesn't always go as planned. I think someone is looking out for me. Usually we would have 2 funnel cakes to share but we didn't. I promised the kids that we could go to the dessert booth and get something but they wanted to spend the tickets on other things. Also, I was halfway thinking that we would use up our last tickets to buy extra food for a snack but we didn't have any left. The other not so good thing I noticed is that I was obsessed with food. I couldn't stop talking about it. I was even asking Lisa what she was making for dinner. I know she thought I was a moron. Oh well, it is all a journey and all in all I had a good day.

Day 35 again

Obviously this is on my mind a bit. I had a few more thoughts today. I think that the big issue for me is that I really want to be 100% raw but my head keeps saying things like what about social events and well once in a while won't hurt? Also, the justification comes that I've always been a meat and fat eater and here I am raw vegan overnight. I really do know that having cooked food makes it harder to stay raw. I've been battling all day with wanting more cooked food. It is truly an addiction. My body really does feel better eating raw but my mind is rebelling. I also can justify the cooked food because I really didn't see a huge physical difference. I have a lot of stress going on right now so I know that my eating is more emotional. My mother-in-law just had a double mastectomy after surgery for a benign brain tumor last year. My mother is coming to visit this week for the first time in three years and the first time since acknowledging I was abused as a child but letting me know that it is all really about her and she doesn't care. My oldest daughter is making her First Communion even though I am not Catholic anymore (I changed to a liberal religion a few years ago) but my husband is. I'm really not trying to justify my eating but trying to be kind to myself when I do slip. I plan to maintain eating as much raw as I can for now (which should be about 90%) and trying to go 100% when I can cope a little better. Ritamarie told me once that there are four stages to breaking a habit, unconsciously doing it, consciously doing it, consciously not doing it, and unconsciously not doing it. I guess that at least I am on step two.

Day 35

I've been thinking a lot today about what being raw means to me. There are many schools of thought as to the best way to go raw. There are a lot of experts in the field are divided. One group believes that the best way to fight the cooked food addiction is to go 100% raw and to never look back. This involves avoiding temptations like parties and restaurants for a couple of months. The other school of thought is that you should go raw in stages. They feel that going 100% at once is too much for some people and it will make them give it up completely when they stray.

It's so hard to decide which stance to take. For me, I am more comfortable with the second. I think that if I try for perfection, I am setting myself up for failure. I know that a lot of it is a justification to eat cooked foods now and again which allows for the addiction to rear it's ugly head, but it is all a learning process. Usually the people who believe you should go 100% all the way are people who have battled this food addiction for a while. They know that they didn't truly beat it until they went 100%. They don't want others to go through the painful experiences. What they are forgetting is that it was a learning curve for them. I visualize like a butterfly breaking from a cocoon. As much as we want to help, if we do help, the butterfly won't be strong enough to fly. I do know that 100% raw is the ultimate goal. I also know that this is what my body craves. Right now, everytime I choose to eat cooked foods, I am getting my wings stronger. I recognize that everytime I eat cooked foods, it allows the cravings back in, but I also realize every time that the food doesn't taste as good and I don't like what it does to my body. For me at least, I need this transition time.

Day 34

Okay, addictions suck! I was completely fine with my Subway choice yesterday. I am equally fine with eating some Vietnemese food at the festival at Charlie's church on Sunday. I think that I'm okay with these things because it is a choice I am making. What I have a hard time with is when it is a compulsion and not a choice, thus McDonald's today. Yesterday Jessie had field day at her school and Charlie, Becca, and I went and brought lunch to her. Jessie has the day off from school but Becca had pre-school. Of course, Becca walks in this morning and asks me if we could all come for lunch with her today. I'm thinking no problem. Then she asks if we can bring her lunch. This gives me a little pause but I still think I can handle it. My plan was to bring my lunch with me and get the kids Happy Meals. Then, Charlie says he wants to go to lunch also. For some reason this changed the whole situation for me. I ended up getting a salad and burger. I just got veggies on the salad and brought my own dressing. My first plan was to only eat half the burger and a few fries but I ended up eating the whole burger. I only had 4 fries, though. I talked to my sister and my friend before I went and I was in tears trying to figure out how to gain some willpower. My first thought was that I was stressed about my mom coming this week but I realize that was only an excuse. Basically it is an addiction and I couldn't handle the temptation. I'm really not in utter despair about it now because I realize it is virtually impossible to rely on willpower. Charlie and I need to talk and I need to try to avoid temptations for a couple of months. I think if we both would have packed a lunch I would have been fine. I think he would have been totally fine with this had I asked but I think I need him to be the one to suggest it for now. On the plus side, I realize that by going raw, this is my first time dealing with food as an addiction and that I am doing a pretty good job. I really have only had a few unplanned relapses. Maybe if I get help avoiding temptations I can avoid more of these. Also, I have seen a change in how I reacted to the burger. In the past, I would have eaten the burger, large fries, and a diet Coke. Pretty soon after eating it I would have felt full but still hungry. This time, I had the burger, salad with my own dressing, and water. The burger is still sitting like a lump in my stomach and I am looking forward to doing a Vitamin C flush tomorrow. I feel lethargic, and have a little headache. I also noticed last night that after the Subway, I had to get up more often to pee. It took me twice with the pizza to realize that I really can't eat it anymore. Maybe tonight I'll rent Supersize Me and try to cement that I don't want fast food again.

Day 33

I had a Subway sandwich today. Jessie had field day at school and we were all meeting her so we decided to bring Subway. I have been dreaming of a sandwich for over a week now so I had a 6 inch BMT. I was hoping that it wouldn't taste as good as I was thinking it would but I have to say it was pretty tasty. At first I was trying to figure out if I would eat it. I really wanted it but then there is always the guilt factor (like I said before, my friend Lisa says the guilt is always there). I had to remind myself that if it's a lifestyle then I'm not cheating. Also, I am much more raw than I ever intended to be. In the raw community there is a debate over 100% raw. Some people feel that anything less isn't raw at all. This includes any little bites of food. If you actually eat a cooked meal, you are a heathen. I partially understand where these people are coming from but these are also the same people who have been raw off and on for years. Then when they make the choice to never touch cooked food again, they lose a bit of empathy for the rest of us. I have come so much further than I ever thought I could or would desire to. Maybe years down the road I will make the choice to make no exceptions but that day is not now. Now I am proud of where I am and trying not to be critical and look to where I may one day be. All in all this is a huge justification for eating my sandwich but not necessarily a bad justification.

I figured out what my problem with the green soup yesterday was. Apparently I had no idea of what greens I was picking out. When I had a salad with them last night, they were so bitter. I'll have to be more careful next time. On the plus side, I am still experimenting with my key lime pie. This time I put in 2 mangos and less coconut cream. I also added a layer of cashew whipped cream. It didn't set very well so I had to put it in the freezer. Maybe next time I will put in more coconut cream again. Charlie is being such a trooper and hasn't complained at all about having to test key lime pies. One day I will be the queen of the raw food key lime pie.

Day 32

Last night's lecture was really good. Some of the things he talked about, Ritamarie and I had just discussed also. These were to limit the sweet fruits and to try to get more blended greens. Apparently the theory is that we don't chew our food enough so when you blend the greens, you get more of the nutrients. I was so inspired that I went to the farmer's market today and bought more greens. Ritamarie had given me a recipe for a soup that sounded good but I didn't have half of the ingredients. Paul Nison last night, gave a very simple recipe that he said was very tasty.... I have to tell you, I have never tasted anything so horrible in my life. I don't know if it was the greens I chose, maybe they were too bitter, or what. It is only the second thing that I have had to resort to throwing away. Even Charlie wouldn't touch it and he is my garbage disposal. The other thing I threw away was a raw mock sausage last week. It was disgusting. You would think that I would know better than to try a meat substitute recipe from someone who was a long time vegetarian.

On a positive note, my sweet and sour neatballs were awesome. I will definitely make those again. I also have all the ingredients for another key lime pie. Charlie was so impressed by the last one that he said he would help squeeze the tiny key limes this time.

Day 31

I am having a nice day today. People keep reminding me to take a moment to be proud of what I've accomplished. It is so hard for me because I am so critical of myself, but today I am genuinely trying to appreciate myself. I saw Ritamarie today and she did some stuff on my knee so I should be good to exercise tomorrow. I think that I need to try to exercise but not overdo it. I have a bad habit of it being all or nothing. Maybe I can try to take it easier but be more consistent. Tonight I am going to a raw potluck and lecture by a raw food author, Paul Nison. I think that will help re-inspire me. I have sweet and sour neatballs in the dehydrator to take. I'll let you guys know how they come out.

Day 30

Today marks my first 30 days raw. I have to say it is rather anti-climatic. I started this with the intent to try it for 30 days and make a decision about the future afterwards. About halfway through I decided to stay raw. I still allow myself the occasional night of cooked food when out with friends. This is my choice. I have found that I make much better choices in the restaurant now. Maybe eventually I'll want to be raw when I eat out also. I came to this from eating fast food so I think I am doing great. Even when I've tried to eat healthy, it never involved eating raw veggies or giving up meat and dairy.

I haven't seen a lot of major changes like most of the people eating raw have. I've lost close to 10 pounds I have about 100 pounds to lose before I am even in my "healthy" range. I have seen some improvement in my allergies but they aren't gone. My fingers have been broken out in eczema for a few weeks now. I've had some energy increase but not a big surge. I haven't been exercising because I hurt my knee recently (or am trying to heal an old injury that is taking forever). So why am I staying raw if I haven't seen any huge improvements? I truly believe that I will become a healthier person eating this way. It make take a while since I have abused my body for so long. My body is happier eating raw. I had some cooked pizza yesterday and my stomach hurt all afternoon and I didn't sleep well last night. I know that even if I don't achieve the results I am looking for, I may be preventing future problems.