Day 34

Okay, addictions suck! I was completely fine with my Subway choice yesterday. I am equally fine with eating some Vietnemese food at the festival at Charlie's church on Sunday. I think that I'm okay with these things because it is a choice I am making. What I have a hard time with is when it is a compulsion and not a choice, thus McDonald's today. Yesterday Jessie had field day at her school and Charlie, Becca, and I went and brought lunch to her. Jessie has the day off from school but Becca had pre-school. Of course, Becca walks in this morning and asks me if we could all come for lunch with her today. I'm thinking no problem. Then she asks if we can bring her lunch. This gives me a little pause but I still think I can handle it. My plan was to bring my lunch with me and get the kids Happy Meals. Then, Charlie says he wants to go to lunch also. For some reason this changed the whole situation for me. I ended up getting a salad and burger. I just got veggies on the salad and brought my own dressing. My first plan was to only eat half the burger and a few fries but I ended up eating the whole burger. I only had 4 fries, though. I talked to my sister and my friend before I went and I was in tears trying to figure out how to gain some willpower. My first thought was that I was stressed about my mom coming this week but I realize that was only an excuse. Basically it is an addiction and I couldn't handle the temptation. I'm really not in utter despair about it now because I realize it is virtually impossible to rely on willpower. Charlie and I need to talk and I need to try to avoid temptations for a couple of months. I think if we both would have packed a lunch I would have been fine. I think he would have been totally fine with this had I asked but I think I need him to be the one to suggest it for now. On the plus side, I realize that by going raw, this is my first time dealing with food as an addiction and that I am doing a pretty good job. I really have only had a few unplanned relapses. Maybe if I get help avoiding temptations I can avoid more of these. Also, I have seen a change in how I reacted to the burger. In the past, I would have eaten the burger, large fries, and a diet Coke. Pretty soon after eating it I would have felt full but still hungry. This time, I had the burger, salad with my own dressing, and water. The burger is still sitting like a lump in my stomach and I am looking forward to doing a Vitamin C flush tomorrow. I feel lethargic, and have a little headache. I also noticed last night that after the Subway, I had to get up more often to pee. It took me twice with the pizza to realize that I really can't eat it anymore. Maybe tonight I'll rent Supersize Me and try to cement that I don't want fast food again.