Musings

My weight has been on my mind a lot the last month or so. I have definitely had my share of challenges in life and it feels so shallow to be obsessed about weight to the point that it is my biggest hurdle these days. It is a matter of health and not just vanity though. I know I am fortunate that this is my biggest problem in life right now, but it is still a problem. Now that I have given myself permission to be self-absorbed, here it goes.



I think that many things collaborated to put the weight on. There are genetics. I have always had hormonal issues and I really think that my endocrine system is whacked out and probably always was off. I am now taking medicine for those problems.



There was definitely an issue of abuse and control when I was younger. These caused me to rebel and eat. It also led to a food addiction. I also think that I allowed myself to get so big so that I wouldn't feel so vulnerable. Not so much from a fending off men standpoint but more from a being taken seriously side. I think that somewhere I felt that if I was thin, it would make me seem more like a pushover. I think that I have been successful in dealing with a lot of that. While I still bristle at the thought of being vulnerable, the weight has gotten to the point where it makes me more vulnerable than if I was thin and strong. I've worked a lot on what the food addiction does to me and how if I diet, I then binge.



Another reason I put on the weight was a lack of physical activity. I never liked active games when I was young. I wasn't good at them and always compared myself to others. I see this now in my daughter Jessie and am hoping I find a way to help her out of this. I am trying to teach her that being physically active does not always have to mean sports. There are many fun ways to be active. By being active, it will help her if she wants to find a sport that fits her. I love teaching water aerobics. I also try to find different ways to be active. I may not love taking walks, but if I need to get something at the mall, I can walk the whole mall first. I can also do Dance Dance Revolution or even just squats, pushups and sit ups on the exercise ball.



I have gotten scared enough lately to examine why I am not losing and try to discover what to do. My endocrinologist said that if I lose the weight, the diabetes will go away. I am terrified of the gastric bypass surgery and am hoping that it doesn't come to that for me. I convinced my doctor to put me on a weight loss medicine. It has some risks, but right now I have risks because of the weight. The medicine alone won't take off the weight but it makes it easier for me to control my food. I saw a dietician yesterday to talk about what is going on with my diet. After talking to her, she agreed that diets aren't the answer. I brought in my food diary for the last few weeks (since I've been on the medicine) and she said I wasn't eating enough. I guess I toggle between eating too much and not eating enough. We talked about what combinations of food I should be eating at what times. She also said that I am active but I take too many days off in a row. Apparently, after 36 hours of exercise, your muscles start to break down. She said that even 10-15 minutes of activity will help that from happening.



She swears that since now we have my thyroid working, if I eat reasonably and not take more than one day off from exercise, I will lose weight. At this point in my journey, I am having skeptical. I wish I had some hope back. At this point, with everything I have tried, it is just so hard to believe that I can be successful. I feel like such a failure.