Tonight's the Night

Okay so I am freaking out a little. I have my third phone coaching session tonight and tonight is the night I learn to stop the behavior of compulsive eating. After tonight, if I choose to eat compulsively, I will be putting myself back in the addiction cycle. I know that my freaking is deprivation thinking and my addictive self talking, but it is still scary/exciting. I am looking forward to it as much as I am fearing it. This program I've been doing is all about choice. You make it very clear that you CAN choose to eat compulsively but that you will pay the consequences. Part of the program is to write out the consequences and the benefits to stopping. You have a script to follow when you are in that moment of compulsion and then you choose whether you want the consequences or the benenfits. The kicker is that if you choose the consequences, even once, you have put yourself back in the addictive cycle and it becomes harder and harder to pull out of it.

One thing that I have identified is that by letting my child/addictive self eat with abandon, I have become neglectful of that child. If I were to treat my child self as I do my own children, I would compassionately teach why it is not healthy to give in to every food whim. I hope that by trying to treat my inner child as one of my own girls, I can beat this.

Coaching Session

I had a really good coaching session last night about getting rid of this food addiction. She said something that really hit home for me. She said that people with a normal relationship with food are hungry first and then look for food. People with an obsessive relationship with food think about food all the time and then create hunger so they can eat. Another thing we talked about is how all diet plans work on helping you change the behavior with the expectation that the mind will automatically change. Obviously this hasn't worked for me and for countless others. Mari's approach is to change the thinking first and then the behavior will change. She claims that she can help me to re-train my brain so that I am not thinking about food all the time and will be able to take it or leave it. I am cautiously hopeful. It was a good session and we will see where it goes from here.

Who's emotions am I eating for?

After a few conversations today (with Dina and my counselor), I realized that my emotional eating isn't always due to my own emotions. Sometimes it is being bombarded by other people's emotions but more often it is the emotions of the child I once was. I didn't have the greatest childhood and didn't receive a lot of support and instruction in how to deal with emotional problems. When my children are having a hard time, I teach them how to deal with the problem at hand. In my childhood, I was treated with ridicule. Maybe if I can recognize the feelings and that they don't belong to me anymore (because I have a lot of support), I can ease some of this emotional eating response.

I am having my first phone coaching session on trying to break the food addiction cycle. I will try to blog how it went later. I received the book and like it because it deals a lot with making it a choice to change not a "have to".

Great distinction

I came across a great distinction today. Do I want to be healthier or do I want an excuse to not be healthy? A few weeks ago, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and depressed. I was thinking how it would be desirable to be a little sick and HAVE to take a break from life. A few days later I hurt my ribs and ended up taking pain medicine for a few days. For the past few weeks, if I exercise, my ribs hurt for a couple of days. Here is my built in excuse to not exercise. I even got a few days of being out of it and not dealing with my life. I realize now that that was given to me as a contrast choice. This is not what I want. I don't want an excuse to not be healthy no matter how valid it is. I want to be healthy and I want to keep the desire to be healthy. I think that is what sometimes holds me back. I lose the desire to do the work. Somewhere along the way, the work needs to be pleasurable. That is what I am seeking.

Found a program

I talked to my counselor and the emotional eating group she suggested isn't forming a new group until February. I was feeling discouraged and was looking for alternatives. Ritamarie had been on a teleconference with someone who knew someone who wrote a book on emotional eating and offers classes. The downside is that the classes are in Portland. After emailing back and forth, Mari (the author) and I decided to do some phone coaching. I think it is going to work out great. She said that it is definitely a program that I will be following and not just counseling. She will sit with her class notes and guide me through the steps. Mari was quick to make the distinction that we would be working on the addiction issue and not messing around with why I have an addiction. I think this is exactly what I need. In tandem, I will work with my counselor, Lee, on why I have an addiction. I'm getting excited about finally freeing myself from my food obsession.