Thursday

I changed my plans Tuesday night. We have some friends who are visiting from living abroad in Singapore. The one thing they can't get there is pizza, so we got pizza Tuesday night with them. I didn't make the pie so we didn't have dessert.

Wednesday:
I woke up with a sore throat so I tried to push Vitamin C and goldenseal and echinacea. Charlie and I are going to a bed and breakfast this Saturday night so I definitely don't want to be sick.
walkedn until my knee hurt
green powder
half a veggie panini and broccoli soup
some popcorn and Reese's
spinach salad with shrimp, feta, tomatoes, and garlic vinegairette
half a peanut butter and jelly
3 cookies
ran around outside with the puppy

I haven't eaten yet today. I plan to make raw broccoli soup for lunch and have raw tortillas and guac for dinner along with the key lime pie I still need to make. I haven't decided what we are doing for activity today.

Tuesday

I had a counseling appointment today. I didn't even cry. She said to keep plugging on the activity thing and eventually the fear will go away. I am feeling good about not feeling guilty and I am happy about making good choices. We will see how long I can mentally sustain this healthy attitude.

half a Naked juice
sandwich with turkey, spinach, mayo, and raspberry chipotle
I plan to have a green powder drink soon. Tonight I plan to have raw corn chips and guacamole and make a raw key lime pie. I would also like to take the family for a walk with the dog after dinner if it doesn't rain.

Re-launch (or re, re, re, re-launch)

Starting today, I plan to right a diaray of what I am eating and how I am feeling and how much activity I am getting. I am certainly a lot less strictly raw and more into health and moderation. My goal is not to have a food religion but to have a healthy balance for the most part and not sabotage myself. At the same time, I want to not only exercise most days but be more active. I don't think that working out really hard one hour a day and spending the rest on the couch was very helpful. I am trying to take this meal by meal and celebrate my successes. Another first is that I chose today to start writing even though my diet wasn't perfect.

green powder
vitamins
walked for about 20 minutes
half a bottle of mango orange juice (Naked juice)
not enough water (I think I need to get a container)
spinach salad with feta, pumpkin seeds, and dressing
one beer
small filet of beef with Remoulade sauce, stuffed potato, salad with vinegairette and raisins, two small cookies (I stopped at two)
I am going to a party so I will taste stuff there

I had a huge fight with my husband and the kids have been fighting with each other and me. There is a lot of talking back going on.

More insights

Well, my counselor wasn't as convinced about the whole addiction thing as I was. She said that it sounds like I am more in fear of what my life will be like when all these changes are made. I am also in a grieving period which is natural when you are changing things in your life. You grief for what you are leaving behind. She also thinks I am way too hard on myself. I see this whole health thing as something I will succeed or fail at. Instead of looking at where I have come from and honoring how far that is, I feel like I have failed because the weight is still here. In other words, I am measuring my success in pounds, not life changes. In my case, I am grieving for the desire for cake and cheeseburgers. The fear I have is that all my excuses for being active will be taken away (allergies, weight). If I become more active, people might see that I never learned to play (bike riding, roller skating, water skiing) and laugh at me when I try. So basically, it all boils down to being isolated when I was a kid and using food as my friend. Self-actualization can really suck sometimes.

Reflections

It's been a while since I posted. I'm sure everybody know what that means about my recent eating habits. I had my birthday last week. I turned 36. I've been reflecting lately on what I want out from a healthier lifestyle and why it seems so hard for me to obtain. I finally hit on something yesterday. I think that I enjoy addictions. When I went raw, it was scary to give up the comfort of my food addiction. I've always been cautious of addictive substances because I think I always knew they appealed to me. I don't know if it is the thought of feeling everything without a filter or if it is not wanting to hold complete accountability or something else entirely. Being healthy should be a joy, not a burden. I am going to go back to my counselor to work these issues out. In the mean time, I am going to make good choices and not try to label or quantify how many good choices, bad choices, and raw choices.

Puppy life

Everything is going pretty well. It seems that when we exercise Sassy more, she behaves better. Yesterday, Charlie took her on a long walk in the morning. I took her on a shorter one in the afternoon and she probably would have benenfited from an evening one but the girls were on a sleepover so Charlie and I went out. I did put Sassy in the crate a few times yesterday to run errands and she spent the night in the crate in the laundry room. She also only had one accident yesterday, so we are doing okay. I think that her need for exercise is going to be good for my family. We are used to just hanging around if we aren't out and about. It will be good to be active.

I haven't been strict on eating. I am making good choices and trying to look at it as a meal by meal basis. It seems to help to say that I am going to make a good choice for this meal alone and worry about the next later. Sometimes I don't make the best available choice, but I am doing pretty good over all. Yesterday I ate:

larabar
turkey, spinach, mayo, raspberry chipotle on sprouted grain
slice of raw key lime pie
Mama Fu's dynamite shrimp appetizer and pork tenderloin with mashed potatoes and green beans