Sunday, October 29, 2006

Willpower?

I've been thinking a lot about this food diary I am keeping and why it feels so right to me to add the emotions. I've also been trying to identify why some people find it easier to change their eating habits and realize a higher level of health. Why is it that we are willing to take drugs and have surgery to lose weight but we are not willing to eat healthier and exercise more?

I think some of it lies in what initial benefits a person finds from changing their habits. I met a woman who said that after her first day of raw, she immediately felt better. I was raw for a few weeks and didn't feel all that different. I think that is almost a Pavlonian response. I've read a lot of testimonials and the people that are able to stick with the habit changes seem to be the ones that find an immediate benefit.

I think that there is another class of people that find it easier to make changes and those are the people that had a lack of information about nutrition. There are so many conflicting "diets" out there that the average person is confused. Once they find what the optimal nutritional plan for their body is, they have an easier time adhering to it.

I find myself in the last class. I believe that I've had enough nutritional counseling and have enough intuition and knowledge to know what is best for my body and yet I don't follow it. Of course, I have moments in time when I do what is best but then I revert to old habits. I have this up and down cycle (or down and up as it may be). I can only sustain being "good" for so long before I sabotage myself. Is this a case of not really wanting it bad enough? Am I secretly punishing myself for some old sin? Am I padding myself from hurt?

I think that the answer lies in my emotions and each of our individual emotions. I've done some previous work and found that some of my emotional eating is due to being empathic. I stuff down emotions with food. Part of me is afraid that if I take away that veil, not only will I feel my own emotions too strongly but I will have a hard time shielding from those around me. My other big issue is a sense of entitlement. I've felt enough disappointment, don't I deserve to eat whatever I want? Along with this is an authority issue. Unfortunately, I even rebel against my own authority. If I am telling myself to do one thing, the child in me wants to do the opposite. Everyone's issues of course are individual and I only illustrate mine to help the process.

So, how do you determine why you are eating what you eat? I think that is what my new food diary is for. After a week of completing it and discerning my eating reasons, I hope to find other ways to trigger an appropriate emotional response. I am not quite sure what that involves yet. I will keep you posted. I hope it will work like having a mantra for each emotional eating reason. Once I identify why I am tempted to make a choice that is not in my best interest, I can use whatever tool I have found to work for that emotion. Hopefully that will free me to make the best choice for myself instead of the compulsion I feel these days. My hope is that this will allow me to be "good" without trying to force it.

Friday, October 27, 2006

New way to do a Food Diary

I had a brilliant idea last night. I don't know if this would be helpful to anyone else. For all I know, this is really how a food diary is supposed to work, but here it goes. I am always hesitant to do a food diary. There are only two reasons to do one. Either I am showing it to someone else to figure out where I am making mistakes or it is for my own accountability. Both of those reasons center on negativity for me. There's too much guilt involved. It is never a true picture on my diet, it is just a record of my attempt to be perfect. Even when they suggest you write your mood, I don't really find that helpful.

Last night though, I came up with a new idea. Along with writing the time and what I ate, I can write why I chose that particular food. I can do it for a week without trying to alter my behavior. Some examples would be fuel, convenience, treat, entitlement, it was there, stuffing emotions, etc. For me, one obstacle is that I keep trying to alter the way I eat without addressing why I eat that way. I make it all about what I am doing versus what I know I should be doing. I don't think that works for me. A better way is to listen to my body and give it what it wants. There are very few times that I eat junk food because I really WANT it. Usually there is much more emotional crap wrapped up in it.

I am going to try it out for a week without trying to alter my behavior. Maybe next week I will try it while making dietary changes. It will be a little experiment.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Revelation

I had a huge revelation when I was driving to work yesterday. I was thinking about being unhappy with my eating habits (I had a burger and cake the night before) and where I am going in life. I've really been mourning the unlimited opportunities of my youth when I had the whole story of my life left to write. I've always felt that I have a big job that I am supposed to do during this life. When I look at where I am, it gets scary because I can't see what that big job is. I know that working for Ritamarie is a step on the right path. I also know that whatever I am supposed to do is linked to my health. Therefore, when I see myself at my current weight (which is my highest ever) it makes me question my progress. I am always so critical of myself at every step and focused on what I am doing wrong. That is why my weight yo-yos. I am either very focused on losing or I get sick of the work and gain.

Yesterday I remembered something Ritamarie said to me a long time ago. It was before I was working for her when I was still panicking about what to do with my life. She asked me if the perfect opportunity landed in my lap(work, life mission), would I be able to commit to it right now. Of course the answer was and is no. My life is not my own nor will it be for at least another 5-10 years. Until then, my kids are my highest priority. When I remembered this, it gave me some relief. I have another 5-10 years to work on these eating issues. Seen in that light, I am making great progress. I think the frustration comes because all though I am making great progress, I have enough slip ups that my weight doesn't go down. If I were to actually ignore the side effect of my weight and think about my eating habit now and those five years ago, I would see huge improvement. There is even great improvement from two months ago. When I realized that, it was easier to see my slip ups as a learning process and not something to beat myselg up about. I have time still to figure out what is right for my body. It is another path that I am on.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Tiny bit of inspiration

We went to Six Flags on Saturday and of course ate horribly. I justified it by knowing that we walked all day but I have to say that my stomach felt gross that night. I also noticed an allergy increase. I didn't do a whole lot better today when I suggested we go to Luby's for lunch but I came to my senses by dinner and had a nice salad. I even made some raw brownies that were super easy and tasty. I am feeling a bit excited about the raw lunches and desserts I have planned for this week. I also decided to do some dance workouts and bought some videos for that. It just really sucks that all the progress I am making is not visible.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Birthday Madness

I am trying hard to limit my carbs. I think I am doing a pretty good job with it but of course we are hitting birthday weeks now. Becca's birthday is October 3 and Jessie's is October 14. We had Becca's party on Saturday and luckily didn't have very much cookie cake left. On Tuesday she wants me to bring donuts to school and she wants to go to dinner at McDonald's and then out for ice cream. At least we won't have a ton of cupcakes or cake left over. Jessie's party is on her birthday so that will help limit the desserts. We are also going to Six Flags next Saturday. This doesn't worry me too much because we also will be walking all day. I am hoping to ramp up the exercise and start a food journal after birthday bonanza. That way Ritamarie can help me figure out how to lose weight. I really can't go in there this week and show her a diet of cookies and ice cream and ask why I am not losing. Although I haven't been losing even when I've been trying hard. Sometimes I really wonder if I am asking too much to think that I can accomplish a healthy weight when I've been overweight most of my life.