Revelation

I had a huge revelation when I was driving to work yesterday. I was thinking about being unhappy with my eating habits (I had a burger and cake the night before) and where I am going in life. I've really been mourning the unlimited opportunities of my youth when I had the whole story of my life left to write. I've always felt that I have a big job that I am supposed to do during this life. When I look at where I am, it gets scary because I can't see what that big job is. I know that working for Ritamarie is a step on the right path. I also know that whatever I am supposed to do is linked to my health. Therefore, when I see myself at my current weight (which is my highest ever) it makes me question my progress. I am always so critical of myself at every step and focused on what I am doing wrong. That is why my weight yo-yos. I am either very focused on losing or I get sick of the work and gain.

Yesterday I remembered something Ritamarie said to me a long time ago. It was before I was working for her when I was still panicking about what to do with my life. She asked me if the perfect opportunity landed in my lap(work, life mission), would I be able to commit to it right now. Of course the answer was and is no. My life is not my own nor will it be for at least another 5-10 years. Until then, my kids are my highest priority. When I remembered this, it gave me some relief. I have another 5-10 years to work on these eating issues. Seen in that light, I am making great progress. I think the frustration comes because all though I am making great progress, I have enough slip ups that my weight doesn't go down. If I were to actually ignore the side effect of my weight and think about my eating habit now and those five years ago, I would see huge improvement. There is even great improvement from two months ago. When I realized that, it was easier to see my slip ups as a learning process and not something to beat myselg up about. I have time still to figure out what is right for my body. It is another path that I am on.