Willpower?

I've been thinking a lot about this food diary I am keeping and why it feels so right to me to add the emotions. I've also been trying to identify why some people find it easier to change their eating habits and realize a higher level of health. Why is it that we are willing to take drugs and have surgery to lose weight but we are not willing to eat healthier and exercise more?

I think some of it lies in what initial benefits a person finds from changing their habits. I met a woman who said that after her first day of raw, she immediately felt better. I was raw for a few weeks and didn't feel all that different. I think that is almost a Pavlonian response. I've read a lot of testimonials and the people that are able to stick with the habit changes seem to be the ones that find an immediate benefit.

I think that there is another class of people that find it easier to make changes and those are the people that had a lack of information about nutrition. There are so many conflicting "diets" out there that the average person is confused. Once they find what the optimal nutritional plan for their body is, they have an easier time adhering to it.

I find myself in the last class. I believe that I've had enough nutritional counseling and have enough intuition and knowledge to know what is best for my body and yet I don't follow it. Of course, I have moments in time when I do what is best but then I revert to old habits. I have this up and down cycle (or down and up as it may be). I can only sustain being "good" for so long before I sabotage myself. Is this a case of not really wanting it bad enough? Am I secretly punishing myself for some old sin? Am I padding myself from hurt?

I think that the answer lies in my emotions and each of our individual emotions. I've done some previous work and found that some of my emotional eating is due to being empathic. I stuff down emotions with food. Part of me is afraid that if I take away that veil, not only will I feel my own emotions too strongly but I will have a hard time shielding from those around me. My other big issue is a sense of entitlement. I've felt enough disappointment, don't I deserve to eat whatever I want? Along with this is an authority issue. Unfortunately, I even rebel against my own authority. If I am telling myself to do one thing, the child in me wants to do the opposite. Everyone's issues of course are individual and I only illustrate mine to help the process.

So, how do you determine why you are eating what you eat? I think that is what my new food diary is for. After a week of completing it and discerning my eating reasons, I hope to find other ways to trigger an appropriate emotional response. I am not quite sure what that involves yet. I will keep you posted. I hope it will work like having a mantra for each emotional eating reason. Once I identify why I am tempted to make a choice that is not in my best interest, I can use whatever tool I have found to work for that emotion. Hopefully that will free me to make the best choice for myself instead of the compulsion I feel these days. My hope is that this will allow me to be "good" without trying to force it.