Trying for peace

It is so interesting to see that the same things that keep me from having peace in my life are the same things that keep me from having peace with food. I have been finding that for me, it is all about this internal struggle I have with my inner child. If I am successful at losing weight it is because I have been successful at shutting the inner child up. When I let the inner child have free rein, I am eating everything in sight and unhappy with myself. What we have here is a disconnect between my two selves. I am trying to work on choices that appease both sides of myself. That is the problem I have had in the past. I have made choices that only appease one side.

I am doing that 30 day program with Karen Knowler. She has been awesome. She has helped me make this distinction about myself. The other thing she said to me is to make food choices out of love. If I really want that hamburger and the choice is made out of love, then don't beat myself up over it later. I think that by beating myself up over my choices, it keeps my focus on the weight and the weight becomes almost like a thought form I can't get rid of. The weight takes on a life of itself.

Along with these thoughts is the thought to completely get rid of the scale. If I am making my choices out of love and not focusing on weight then I will achieve my optimum weight naturally. The scale just pushes my focus to the weight and not on the choices.

I think that this internal struggle pushes itself into other areas of my life. It is so hard for me to just accept a peaceful life. I am always railing against it for what the next step is, for what my purpose in life is. I have been reading the book, Simple Abundance, recently (of course I am a week behind). In the passage I read yesterday, it said to imagine your life as you wish it would be. Well, that is the problem, I don't know what I wish for a career. I know that I want to inspire people. So I started thinking about the other areas in my life and what I wish them to be. If I could be the next Martin Luther King, Jr., would I want that? What would that do to my family? My first focus is my family. I definitely want to keep it that way. I want to be able to be home when the kids get home from school all the way through high school. I want to be able to be the booster club mom. So what happens when the kids leave the house? Charlie has been with the same company since college. Chances are he can take an early retirement. I am sure he will still do contract work after that, but in between we can travel. That is a high goal for me. So do I really want a high profile non profit career/life mission. Probably not. That is hard for me to admit because I really do believe that I am meant to make a difference in this world. I think that I can accept now that all of that will come when it is supposed to. For now, I would like to work a few different part time jobs (I have such a short attention span), have time to exercise and find inner peace, and maybe do some charity work in addition to being involved in my kids' lives. Maybe my whole goal for the present should be to find peace within myself.